Diary of mystical life

The main text of a life of Ivanov is his diary. He conducted it since youthful years (from time of "the first love") and prior to the beginning of the Leningrad blockade. Introspection here was very deep and rigid.

In the person of the author of a diary sensation of attachment and a recognition of own sinfulness, feebleness are very much visible. The main fear - to become "doll-baby's dummy", fear to profane a relic. The most pejorative word in self-accusation: "author" - the one who does not live, but all "composes".

For example such record of 1911 testifies to severity to itself: "on January, 12th. I do not know that with me. Such breakdown of spirit that is simple ah! Drat. Drat. Nasty, the soul grows dumb. I have found to myself the name - Mystical coquette".

A record from February, 17th, 1907 is extremely important for understanding of feeling of Ivanov and his daily "confessioness" ( as it is constant at Ivanov it not simply diary record, but article sketch, note a Bible style):

"With a heavy heart I support that I protect. And it is heavy to me from heavy feeling of the heavy looks looking at me, indignant fair indignation. I speak indignant fair indignation for the one whom I though a word one said in protection of Church and a name of God, it is worthy any human indignation seem, and the indignation on it is fair.

That is why to hard person presently to speak about God, about the Christ and about Its Church, whether for presently the Church became before God a place of any nasty thing human and whether there was a place sacred nowadays empty and nasty thing.

Know, before has dishonoured Church dominating the name, as to talk about priests and about Church it is considered now business empty, unnecessary for also priests and Church esteem for anything and if they are that is as insignificant as something such about what and it is not necessary to talk for it is known that is rubbish.

"Own Mission" the Petersburg mystic saw in awakening in people of a childlike faith and a love for God. In 1904 he has written down directly in the street (on Rozanov style) and then in a temple:

"On March, 24th (Theatre Street)"
I would like to be that force which gives rise to thirst of God-vision, God-listening. At us the indifference to God reigns, because we and not jotas his eyes to see, ears to hear. Also I heard a prayer in myself great and who has learnt me to it?

Blissful crying for the One who can cry still is happy, instead of emptiness is deaf I smother catched Him. Blissful milds for who is nowadays mild.

The eschatological theme in the Diary is adjoined by sketches from the Petersburg impressions.

So, in one of early writing-books there is a small sketch which it would be possible on-Blok style to name "Terrible world". For Ivanov is was a "deification" of Petersburg-Babylon.

"On March, 21st. Coming back today from University, I saw on Semenovsky parade-ground some kind of deification. There was in the afternoon, spring weather. The sky cold enough with clouds, but blue is visible, all the same the spring.

And a pool on a parade-ground, a pool and a dirt fenny with potholes from not thawn snow.

From Nikolaevskaya street the carrier went, "draught" somehow describing a monograms, and inside 2 factory boys of years 15 - 16, drunk, pale, painful by sight, in one jackets, and on knees of them the girl of around 8 years, pale-greeny, somehow bloated, drunk and sang songs. Here It".

Petersburg for Ivanov - a city of the Horseman. Or Horsemen - both Copper Horseman, and Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

To this theme devoted the only more or less Ivanov's known work - etude "the Horseman. Something about the city of Petersburg"

"A trouble! The Earth grows old. Also can, the modern desire to take pleasure terrestrial is only last impulse, as impulses of the woman feeling approach of the old age when already nobody takes it if even it began to ask to take. Sights were changed. To a floor have given freedom because the floor has felt the autumn. And the fly before a dream bites. And it is terrible. And Sights were changed, became more free, became more free to a floor, but it is terrible in it to freedom, and an old age sign of close world. The great Pan, yes has died, has died, My God"

And here is how the non-finished memoirs on Blok come to the end:

"And here the gold ship of the sun it is invariable at me swam up to the City, sitting on waters of many of the river of Neva and its channels which are pouring in in the sea ". A city of" the Horseman "(Copper). Night and Dawns, changing colours, change the Horseman in images of four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and a city - in the wife the loose woman sitting on waters many. The secret of a city in flooding opens. It is secret of the Demon flying on a motionless racer, and a city life in dreams of disturbing it and its double, the mad Evgenie sitting on a marble lion"

Olga Fetisenko. "From a diary of the Petersburg mystic"